I've begun to feel more like "myself" than I have in MONTHS, however, I'm also in a weird state of feeling like I barely recognize myself.
There are so many reasons that this is a deeply legitimate feeling for me. But what has struck me through this process, and has thoroughly broken my walls, barriers and ego down, is that it is utterly impossible to weather an attack of what is most fundamentally valuable to you and NOT change profoundly.
In us is the choice to let that change be positive or negative, but there is something terribly disingenuous and superficial about people who are perpetually looking at things "on the bright side" and being positive all the time. Through this process I desperately wanted to scream at some people: "Yes the sun WILL come out tomorrow, Annie, but today it is bloody raining and I'll be Eeyore if I WANT to be Eeyore! Now SHUT UP!"
I fundamentally believe that all feelings need to be felt, especially the negative ones. When we push or are pushed to ignore the pain, the anger, the hurt, it begins to change who we are. It can manifest itself in a very bad way. This is not to say being negative all the time, through the guise of honesty, is any less disingenuous than the overly positive. All I'm suggesting is that it is healthy to be allowed to feel, in your own time and space, what you feel. To really process in an honest and meaningful way so that healing and growth are possible.
There have been studies about the effects of extreme stress and what it does to change your brain. (Traumatic Stress: Effects on the Brain, for example)
Recently, I stumbled upon this subject, and found that what resonated with me was this article in the Huffington Post on PTSD After Divorce and how simply it explains so much of what I've felt and the frustration when people start quoting musicals, or telling me I'm strong, or that I'm better than this. Saying that I just need to let it go, that I'm courageous.
You know what? I'm not. I'm battered and broken, but I haven't given up. I am simply a wounded mama bear protecting her cubs.
Because of this, I've changed and so have my priorities. I don't know that I'll ever take moments with my kids for granted ever again. I am learning how to be a better mother, a better spouse, a better human.
I'm no longer trying to be all things to all people. Or hiding my fear, my brokenness, or vulnerability like I once did. I doubt I'll ever take being treated badly in the same way again. And there are many who won't like the way I've changed. Some more than others.
So as I try to find my strength, and figure out who this new person looking back at me from the mirror is, I can smile and know that I'm not done yet.
I am a huge fan of feeling your feelings! When it comes up at work I try to make it clear to the kids that your feelings are never wrong and, hard or easy, happy or said, it's alway ok to feel the way you do (and to distinguish that from the way you choose to behave in reaction to those feelings, which can be not ok). Over the last few years I've come to believe that true strength is found in really embracing what you feel, not wallowing but (like you said) feeling and processing in your own time and space what it is you feel. When people say "you're so strong" I think they really do mean well, but it often sounds like "omg you're so unaffected by all this crazy stuff!" that is actually killing you on the inside. I admire your strength, but for the exact opposite reason - not only are you feeling it, you're holding up your feelings and wounds for all the world to see. I have a long way to go to reach that level of strength. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you! I very much appreciate the kind words, and those who travel these roads....even when they don't want to be traveling them. Maybe especially then. :)
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